Parenting with a Straight Face

I don’t know how parents of young children do it.  My brother and his wife have opened my eyes to a very important skill that all parents must possess:  the ability to keep a straight face while delivering discipline in situations that are just downright funny.

A while ago, I joined my brother, his wife, and their three children for lunch in a Mexican restaurant.  The hostess showed us to our table and brought us an order of chips and salsa, as well as three pieces of paper and a handful of crayons for the kids.  Of course, those with small children already know that the three little ones were doing anything but coloring.

My brother, struggling to put together an order for our table when the server arrived, looked at his three children with frustration.  “Kids, kids, what do you want? “

“I don’t know,” said Megan, the youngest. 

“Well look at the kids’ menu,” my brother said.  “If you’ll turn over that piece of paper, there should be some pictures on the back of what you can eat.”  He reached over for her paper placemat, blank side up, and flipped it over, expecting to find a kids menu.  Instead, he found a photocopy of a page that had been torn from a coloring book.  In the picture, two puppies were chasing each other.  His eyes bulged out of his head. 

Megan looked confused and let out a little whine.  “I don’t want to eat that,” she said, pointing at the puppies.   The server rolled his eyes impatiently.

My brother and his wife looked at their two sons.  “Jacob?  Jared ?  What do you want to eat?  The waiter doesn’t have all day.”

The two boys didn’t answer.  They were absorbed in their handheld games.  One of them dropped a jacket on the floor, and his mother ducked under the table to grab it.

“Kids, please!” My brother cried out with frustration.   A quick decision was made among the parents for chicken tenders, a hamburger and a chicken sandwich.

Then the adults ordered and we waited for our food.  Jared watched the Spanish channel on TV, and tried to speak the words.  Apparently one of them sounded like a bad word, so my brother quickly scolded him.  Pointing a stern finger at his face, he warned of the consequences of bad language.  “Son, if you say bad words, I will…”

I knew exactly what he was going to say.  I will take you home and wash your mouth out with soap.  I was sure of it.  But I was wrong.

“If you say bad words, I will take you home and make you brush your teeth with adult toothpaste.”

Jared covered his face with his little hands and began to cry.  “Dad… please… no!”

“He doesn’t like adult toothpaste,” big brother Jacob explained to me.

“It’s too spicy!” Jared cried out.

“It’s minty, not spicy,” Jacob corrected him. 

“Yes it is too spicy!” wailed Jared.  He continued to cry. 

At last, the food came.  It was time for the blessing.

“Dear Heavenly Father,” my brother began. His eyes peeped open when Megan started giggling.  “What is it, Megan?”

She pointed at the mural painted on the wall.  A noble-looking Aztec warrior with a painted face and a feathered headdress, and a loincloth loomed over us on the wall behind our table.  “That man,” she doubled over, “is wearing nothing but his underwear.”

“We don’t laugh during the blessing,” her parents fumed. 

So we bowed our heads again, and somehow managed to get through the blessing , followed by dinner. Aunt Amy was doing everything she could to not laugh the entire time.

I truly admire my brother, his wife, and all other parents of young children who have acquired the amazing ability to parent with a straight face.  I don’t think I could ever do it. 

And I think all of that suppressed laughter finally caught up with me when I went back to that same restaurant recently for a quick lunch by myself.  When I looked up at the Aztec warrior on the wall – wearing nothing but his underwear, as Megan said – I laughed so hard I thought I was going to have to seek out someone to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me. 

Because come to think of it, it was pretty darn funny.